President George Bush, finally realizing that he may not win now in Iraq, turned to drastic measures over the weekend by deploying the Penn State football team to the troubled region.
"Drastic times call for drastic measures," said White House Spokesman Tony Snow. "I know some in the international community see this as dropping an atomic bomb on Iraq, but like the atomic bombs dropped in Japan almost 60 years ago, we feel that this will shorten the war and consequently save more lives in the long run."
That theory may eventually be right, but in the Middle East, residents are frightened.
"We hear things about what they do at keg parties," said one Iraqi man who did not want his identity revealed because he feared for his safety. "The horror is unimaginable. I don't think we deserve this."
Staff Sargeant/Recruiting Coordinator, Mike McQuery can't be in the field because his flaming red hair makes him stand out, but he has seen enough carnage to last a lifetime.
"It's not pretty, that's for sure," said McQuery. "Basically we just tell Anthony Scirrotto that the Iraqis were talking to his girlfriend and he goes all apeshit. I saw one Iraqi man walking down the street and Scirrotto went off because he looked like an Arab kid in his Milking 101 class. Anthony ripped the guy's arm off and shoved it up his own ass. Coach (Joe) Paterno thought that was going too far, though, and suspended Anthony for the first play of the Florida International game."
Despite the horrors, McQuery does see a bright side. "The team is really coming together. Every time one of the player soldiers goes insane and irrationally attacks somebody, the rest of the squad follows right behind, no questions asked. It's almost like they are mindless and don't care about the consequences. It shows teamwork. Sure, it may have consequences down the line but Coach Paterno has decided on a fool proof plan to get them back into the flow of society. When they return with the blood of thousands of Iraqis on their hands, and carrying the severed heads that they turned into ash trays, Joe is going to make them pick up garbage around campus. We know that's a little harsh, but it's something Joe feels is necessary."
The weekend did have it's fair share of comedy, too, according to McQuery. "The boys kept trying to tip the camels. They really didn't understand that they weren't cows at first. They learned quickly after the camels started kicking." Then McQuery laughs hard before adding, "All except (Anthony) Morelli. He couldn't catch on and just kept trying to topple the camel. He was hit in the nuts so many times that they started to look like basketballs. That's the kind of things we hope the guys take with them and laugh about when they are sitting in their prison cells down the road."
